Drama and devastation as Farmers choose (and cut) their wannabe Wives

The highly anticipated directed-reality (like that phrase?) Channel Seven series, Farmer Wants a Wife has returned for 2024.

And with that comes the opportunity to explore and comment through a rural lens with this, just as popular (in our minds) blog, Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives.

While the actual television show is the platform for discussion, this blog is the mint sauce on the roast lamb, the sprinkles on the chocolate icing and the nutmeg on the custard tart.

After every episode, your committed blogging team made up of Julia "Sunset" Wythes, Hayley "Picnics" Warden and Ashley "Throw Cushions in the Ute Tray" Walmsley, will dissect and tease out the details of the blossoming relationships on show.

Everyone's not-quite-my-first-choice host Samantha "Sustain My Career" Armytage returns as couple coordinator, and as of now shall hereby referred to as Sam Farmytage, because she lives on a "farm", as you'll be reminded A LOT.

Natalie "Our Preferred Host" Gruzlelweskelskeeeksliwski also promises to pop in and provide some relief from another certain host continually banging on about living on a farm with two horses.

Farmer Tom, 22, Tabilk, Victoria

Tom's into cattle and cropping and says he can seem quite serious but actually just has a pretty dry sense of humour. Sounds like he'll be a bit hard to read.

He's been around, young Tom, having travelled all through Europe including Sweden and Norway.

He's big on food with his signature dish an Italian-style pizza made from scratch. Let's see if that delicacy makes an appearance.

Farmer Dean, 25, Kandanga, Qld

Dean, Deano, Keen Dean, Dean the Machine - all names he may or may not go by.

This beef and watermelon producer is outgoing, easy-going, going-going, hardworking-going and driven-going, apparently.

His bio includes the line: "Have never met a stranger, which means, I get along with everyone." Boy, is he in for a surprise. He also gives advice to "never get stressed". We'll just see about that.

Farmer Dustin, 26, Condobolin, NSW

This cattle, sheep, goat and crop producer doesn't claim to be the ultimate romantic but he enjoys country music.

Dustin makes a mean mashed potato and he's allergic to cats. Cattiness on the other hand, well, that's yet to be tested.

His bio says: "I really love trying new things."

Farmer Bert, 30, Wamuran, Qld

It's all horticulture for Bert, a pineapple and dragon fruit grower.

Like an over-fertilised lettuce, Bert says he is rough around the edges but has a really big heart.

Pineapple growing is well entrenched in his family, as he's part of the fourth generation to do it. This should make for plenty of puns throughout the series. Early dibs on the phrase Bert the flirt.

Farmer Joe, 33, Bombala, NSW

Livestock producer Joe has played a bit of rugby league in his time which has taken him throughout the world. That'll have viewers Googling him for what team he played for...

"My mum and Madonna were both born on the same day, on the same year and I've proudly inherited the 'Madonna gap' in my teeth to keep the legacy going," Joe said.

We take this as full permission to point out the gap at every occasion from this point on.

There is a notable absence of a more mature gentleman this year; perhaps those over the 40-year-old hill now know what they want and realise the somewhat absurdity of going on national television to develop a relationship.

While the quest for love is a big enough mystery for the show, a similar one exists on the official website which lists the five lads above, as well as Farmer Nick, Farmer Todd and Farmer Zac, whose full profiles and even videos are up online. What happened to these blokes? Did mustering start? Did they meet someone in between the auditions and the taping? Did some sense happen to seep back into their heads?

The giggling girls, though, have more than enough farmers to keep them busy, and we met them on Sunday night as the brand new season of Farmer Wants a Wife kicks off with its montage of beautiful views, farmers looking sad and stroking crops and voice-overs about their legacy.

"Last year, all five farmers found love!", host Sam Farmytage boasts.

Yup. Last year four farmers and one Department of Ag employee fell in love. But Sam's not done - she tells us Farmer Brad and his partner Claire from last year have had a baby, and Farmer David asked Emily to marry him. Also Farmer Andrew (the guy who stole roses from his mum) and Jess from 2021 also got engaged.

Strangely, there were camera crews present at both proposals.

But enough showing off - we have five new farmers this year, and producers are going to prop them up in weird places, like in the haystack or balancing on a two-wheeler, to look at the profiles of women who applied.

The chosen girls then arrive at the Hunter Valley mansion in a clamour of screaming, laughing and hugging - and the comments we hear EVERY YEAR.

"I'm ready to leave the city behind!"

"City boys don't know what they want."

"It's farmer time!"

They skip joyfully into the lovely old house holding hands - I'm guessing they won't be doing that on the farm when they have to watch their farmer snogging another chick in the bushes.

Sam Farmytage arrives in a dress made of fairy floss and fires questions to the horde of excited ladies.

"How are you feeling?" she asks.

"BBFHJUYUIOGFTDERSWERUIOKIIOY!" they all reply.

"Are you ready to meet your farmers?"

"KGTUIJIOHYTYTPKGFRRSGJIUR!" they scream.

She tells them the farmers have been 'plucked from their paddocks'.

This sounds a little like the boys have been abducted, but we will see. Oh - it's ok - here they come walking in slow-mo down the drive for an hour.

They smile at each other and slap each other's chest. Farmer Dean has been selected as the One to Wear a Hat and he tips it.

Each farmer enters the barrel room to screams of 'he's hot!!!'.

"Farmer Joe is everything I thought he would be," one lady declares upon glimpsing Farmer Joe walk in the room.

Sam gestures to the men like they are sides of beef hanging in the cool room and declares they are 'gorgeous'. She also points out beneficial features of each farmer like an auctioneer about to sell a pen of lambs at the yards. Curls! Blue eyes! He's 22 going on 65!

Each farmer is plonked somewhere and each lady is led away from the group to meet with him.

The girls go all out in trying to impress the farmers - food, flowers, singing, poems.

We see Farmer Bert plopped on a verandah - he's the pineapple and dragon fruit grower from Wamuran, Queensland.

He meets Karli - they blush at each other. When she returns to the group, they screech 'are you in love?' at her.

In fact, there is one lady in Bert's group that is looking a bit touchy, like a freshly weaned colt. April gets more crabby every time a lady disappears to chat to Bert.

In Condobolin, Farmer Dustin runs a HEAP of goats, as well as everything else. But poor Condo gets a bit of a pizzling. According to Dustin, Sam and everyone, there is NO ONE to date at Condo. No one.

Poor Condonians thought this was going to be the most exciting thing since Shannon Noll filmed What About Me? in the main street with a horde of locals desperate to be on TV.

Sorry, Condo. There is no one in your town to date.

Another chick shows him her scar and says 'her friend bit her'. "Just don't bite me and we're good," she purrs.

Farmer Dean is from Kandanga, Queensland, and is seen not only dancing in front of everyone, but also replying "moo!" to one of his cows that are yarded behind him.

He drew the short straw and is left perched out on an old rusty ute.

He gets to meet Tiffany, who has made him brownies. He is WAY too excited about the brownies. "S**t yeah!" he yells while cramming seven of them into his mouth, as Tiffany tosses her head like a horse avoiding the bit.

A lot of the ladies are "getting lost in his eyes".

But he is about to deal with something more frightening than lack of direction - Bella.

"My psychic told me I will marry a farmer," she declares, TWICE, adding that she's obsessed with shoes and handbags.

Did the psychic warn you about the branch you headbutted as you walked away?

But Farmer Bert is also dealing with a handful.

Olivia thinks she is at a job interview. While the poor bloke tries to get a word out, she bombards him with her full resume, why she is good for the job, and her opinion of dogs in his house.

But there is an upside - lovely Lauren, a pirate from New Zealand. She sails Optimus Prime, or something.

But Aggravated April isn't waiting any longer - she stomps up the lawn, commando rolls on the verandah and makes the pirate walk the plank.

The boys think long and hard about their decisions, round up the ladies found aimlessly wandering the paddocks after getting lost in Dean's eyes, and make their picks.

Farmer Dean picks Tiffany, Teegan, Kate, Hayley and psychic-loving Bella.

Farmer Dustin picks Anna, Sophie, Chloe, Izzy and Kara.

Farmer Bert picks Karli, Caity, Caitlin, the pirate and Aggravated April.

On Monday at 7pm the final two farmers will meet their ladies and hopefully make better decisions.