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IT is the crime which exists in many homes throughout the Hastings, silencing people at their most vulnerable.
Domestic and family violence has a toxic effect on the lives of people who could be your neighbour, sister, cousin or friend. Now is the time to make the conversation louder and take action as a community.
Recently a Port Macquarie woman shared her experience of abuse in an effort to reveal the insidious nature of the crime at all levels of the community.
Her family was a normal middle class bunch with all the attached trappings: children, high income, a mortgage, modern cars and a busy social schedule.
However the real horror, said the woman who spoke anonymously, was happening behind closed doors.
She was with the abuser for more than a decade, but left when it became too much.
There were death threats "every so often", but "only when he really wanted to scare me".
Her ex-husband was removed from the house by police after raping her and then urinating on her.
She said making excuses for his behaviour became a daily habit, while socialising was a nightmare.
"He was always putting me down, making me feel like I wasn't worthy, making me feel uncomfortable in social situations," she said.
Numerous physical assaults by her ex-husband left marks, though he was careful to ensure they were not visible.
"[It was] never anything that would leave a significant deformity on my face," she said. "I used to have lots of bruises on my arms.
"Over the years it became such a norm for me that I didn't say anything to anyone."
By the time the couple had children, she felt "way too ashamed" to ask for help.
"I felt disgusted with myself," she said.
Feelings of shame are common to women suffering abuse in middle-class families, Sandra Sheridan from the Women's Domestic Violence Court Advocacy Service said.
"Women in more wealthy families are subjected to domestic violence but are more likely to keep it hidden," she said. "They remain silent, are less likely to report to police and do not often seek our services until they have no choice."
That claim is potentially supported by figures released earlier this month by the Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research.
There were 322 recorded domestic violence assaults in 2013 in the Port Macquarie-Hastings local government area. But that number dropped to 289 last year.
The Mid North Coast Local Area Command's Detective Inspector Steve Clarke wasn't able to account for the difference, but said such crimes are generally under-reported.
There was some hope, he said, that the systems, procedures and responses from police "give victims faith that their coming forward has been and will continue to be acted on".
He said police "absolutely" see the assaults across all demographics.
"It can and will happen in any household," the officer said.
Mrs Sheridan said women from high income families "are more likely to identify being financially and emotionally abused".
"They also show self blame because they think they should 'fix it.'"
Last month the service worked with a woman whose partner owns his own business, but he has blocked her access to their income.
The woman did not have money for essentials, including toilet paper, so was forced to contact Centrelink to get a food voucher to feed her children.
Mrs Sheridan told the story of another woman who experienced emotional abuse from a partner who threatened to kill her while she slept.
"She may be asset rich but she has no access to cash, credit car or the cheque book," Mrs Sheridan said.
"The children go to a private school and either she has to leave without them or risk their alienation by being taken away from their school, friends and sports.
"She faces the prospect of having to live in poverty while fighting within the family court to have contact with her children and receive a fair share of their joint property."
The woman who spoke with the Port News agreed with Mrs Sheridan's observation that many abusers in higher income families are "held in high esteem by others".
The survivor said her ex-husband told her for more than a decade that she lacked insight, was stupid and no-one would believe her claims.
"Over time you start to believe it, every word," she said. "Getting it validated (that I wasn't delusional) meant I could start to see things more clearly, and know that it's not okay, that it's not the norm."
Keeping a record of abusive behaviour is essential to changing the situation. But it isn't always a simple case of writing things down.
"A lot of women would be frightened to document things down because it may not be safe," the woman said.
She suggested storing documentation at a friend's house, or regularly changing where evidence is hidden.
"Otherwise it's very difficult to present your case in court."
Her advice to those experiencing abuse at home is simple.
"Just start letting people know - people who are professionals or even just someone you can confide in - that it's happening. People will help you, but you've got to want the help.
"For years I didn't feel I was strong enough, I was too ashamed.
"You have to get out if you can."
- 69 per cent of domestic violence victims are women.
- 79 per cent of female victims are assaulted by a male only.
- 70 per cent of domestic violence incidents involve male offenders only.
- The proportion of female domestic violence victims has remained steady over time: 70 per cent in 2005 versus 69 per cent in 2012.
- People between 30 and 49-years-of-age are the most likely to experience domestic violence assault: 43 percent of female victims and 38 percent of male victims were in this age group in the 12 months to September 2012.
- Women are 12 per cent more likely than men to report physical assault to police, and four per cent more likely than men to report face-to-face threatened assault.
- Female homicide victims are two-and-a-half times more likely than male victims to be killed by someone with whom they are in a domestic relationship.
- Women are nearly four times less likely than men to be offenders.
Source: NSW Department of Family and Community Services
NEXT month's forum on violence against women is a vital step in addressing the issue in the Hastings.
There will be 10 White Ribbon Australia summits across the country this year, but Port Macquarie is the only regional town to be chosen as a host.
The Glasshouse gathering on May 27 will assemble local experts and practitioners as well as those from further afield.
Delegates will discuss action strategies and hear from international speakers, including West Virginia University's Professor Walter DeKeseredy.
The sociologist is the director of the Research Centre on Violence and has written 19 books on violence against women.
Port Macquarie-Hastings Council's community and economic growth director, Tricia Bulic, said the forum was recognition of the "fantastic work that has been done in our community to raise awareness".
She pointed to the burgeoning success of White Ribbon Day's annual Coastal Walk, its local ambassadors and business support for anti-violence initiatives across the region.
Mayor Peter Besseling, who became a White Ribbon Ambassador in 2008, said he was really looking forward to the progress the day can create.
Tickets for the day can be purchased on White Ribbon's website, which notes that violence against women is a man's issue too.