You'll be nodding as you read this list of things only a local would understand. What have we forgotten?

1. Would you like some road with those potholes?

Almost everyone has a story to tell about an infamous pothole on their street. But these aren't your average breed of broken and battered road surface. No, these are craters of death - deep enough to swallow the average car and the final nail in the coffin for countless tyres. This bring us to our next point.

2. Plagues of men in lycra

For all the potholes, it still doesn't seem to stop the hundreds of MAMILs [middle-aged men in lycra] from taking-up whatever usable tar is left on the road. Or so angry motorists will tell you. These dangerous cycling devils ride four-abreast and come swerving out of nowhere. Meanwhile, the rest of us are simply trying to get our fossil fuel-burning, four-door death traps to work without having to put up with the sight of ungodly, white thighs squeezed into shiny fabric. Never mind the fact that most cyclists are actually saving the environment and the economy a motza. And, have you seen some of the ultra-fit women? What do you mean lycra doesn't look good?

3. Public transport is a thing?

Don't dare throw away the keys to your car though. Finding a bus, or any form of public transport, is almost as rare as seeing someone in their early 20s. If you do manage to find a way to get from A to B, expect to pay an arm and leg for the ride. Unless of course you're a pensioner or student - it doesn't take a local to know which one of the two feature more prominently.

4. It's a cool day if the weather dips below 25 degrees

Despite the fact that our climate is envied nation wide, the weather is whinge-worthy if there's the slightest hint of a breeze or a cloud obstructs our view of the sun. Don't even get us started on the odd summer shower. Anything less than picture perfect is not acceptable.

5. When it rains, dump the umbrella and grab a bodyboard.

Sometimes Port Macquarians have to resign to the fact that the weather won't always be perfect. But don't you know the old adage - never let a flood get in the way of great fun. If there's been solid downpouring for a few days, you can bet your bottom dollar there'll be one place more packed than Majestic Cinemas. Every year dozens of grommets gather on Windmill Hill, jump on their bodyboards and slide down the grassy-slope until not a single blade of glass remains.

5. A love affair with whales

They love the Port Macquarie coastline and we adore them in return. A tiny spray of water or the hint of a tail may be kilometres away, but we'll perch on chilly outlooks for hours in the hope of a glimpse.

6. Port Cup fever

Apart from the first Tuesday in November, the first Friday in October is the only time most of us give a darn about horse racing, fascinators and his 'n' hers outfits. It's probably the only occassion since last year's Port Cup that you've held a form guide - and one of the odd occassions our fellas wear a suit (apart from weddings or funerals). Even if you venture to the racecourse, there's no guarantee you'll actually see a pony. But the tiniest of short skirts, and unbuttoned shirts are a certainty.

7. The mysterious roundabout sculpture

Whether you're returning from Sydney or a weekend up the coast, there's nothing sweeter than spotting the intergalactic spaceship at the 'roundabout' that signals you've made it home. It may prompt sniggers from confused tourists, but it's a comforting sight after a long road trip, kind of like seeing the porch light left on. What it actually is, or represents, is beside the point.

8. 'Our home-grown heroes'

Even if they only spent a couple of months here as a toddler, we're happy to claim anyone who has had a sniff of success as 'our very own'. Even if you have no interest in the sport/movie/tv show/rock band, we're quick to tell out-of-towners about our 'hometown heroes'. Think James Magnusson, Damien King, Ryley Batt, Aleyce Simmonds (country music Golden Guitar nominee), Nick Cummins, Samantha Wills, Justine Clarke, Baz Luhrman, Phil Jamieson, Allison Langdon - and even Candy Stuart of House Rules fame!

9. Roundabouts, why don't they come with a user manual?

You'll also know you're back in Port, when you get to the roundabout on Horton Street and find someone stopped smack-bang in the middle of it. These quizicall spheres on the road seem to puzzle us to no end. Do I give way? Do they? Best chance it and go (indicator optional).

10. Suburbs only locals recognise.

They may not feature on a map or official documentation, but everyone knows where Westport, Clifton, Sherwood, Eastport, Flynns, Lighthouse and Nobbys are. When it suits, we're also happy to claim Lake Cathie (or Kathy) and Wauchope as outer suburbs.

11. Free parking at the door is a birth right.

If we have to walk more than 20 metres from the car, we'll continue doing laps until we find a park at the front door. And, paying for parking is just ridiculous. No matter what the price, we should be able to park where we want for as long as we want. Right?

12. Did you end up at Smuts or Roxys?

Your party animal cred is gauged by whether you ended up at Smuts or Roxys. Neither are the correct, or even current, names of our CBD nightclubs, but many will swear they've never been there, but you can almost guarantee that's a lie.

13. Old vs new.

People of a certain vintage hold tight to their fond memories of the old RSL Club - and could argue the merits of old versus new for hours. Who could forget the choc-banana soldiers in the cocktail bar, the dart boards 'out the back' or falling down the escalators at closing time? The long-gone Short Street venue was legendary in its day and lives on in campfire and BBQ tales. Obviously, we delete the details about the red wall-papered walls and sticky carpet.

14. East vs west.

If you live west of the highway, you are an arch enemy from now to eternity. It doesn't matter if it's Under Six netball or the Sharks vs the Wauchope Blues, we must slay them at all costs.

15. One word.... Glasshouse.

Love it, or hate it, it's here to stay. We may be paying for it for the next three generations, but it is pretty.

16. But there's nothing to do.

We may have an abundance of beautiful beaches, great waves, rivers, bushwalks, cycleways, markets, shopping centres, skate parks, and more activity and community groups to count. But if you're a young person living in Port, make no mistake, there is NOTHING to do 'round here...