Rachel Khoo’s Cosmopolitan Cook, SBS One, 7.30pm

Ever since Neanderthal man accidentally dropped a piece of meat into a campfire, then turned to the camera and said, ‘‘and here’s one I prepared earlier’’, cooking shows have been a TV staple. Rachel Khoo’s Cosmopolitan Cook is a rehashing of an old formula, hoping Ms Khoo’s engaging presence will be enough to carry it along. What we get is a series of short travelogues of Khoo trying food in foreign locations (in this case, the Princes Islands off the Turkish coast), then preparing her own version for her hipster mates back in her London flat. ‘‘I’m struck by the sound of silence. It’s like I’ve stepped back in time,’’ she tells us as she arrives in Turkey. Later, she tells us new experiences ‘‘allow you to look at things differently’’. You get the picture. The food-preparation scenes are standard fare, apart from the annoyingly choppy editing. The net result for this viewer is a mild sensation of nausea – never a good thing in a cooking program. Ultimately, there’s nothing objectionable about the series, other than its general blandness, but a cooking show without flavour misses the point somewhat.

Vikings, SBS, 9.30pm

This is a vintage episode of Vikings containing all the elements you have come to know and love – ultra-violence, betrayal, more violence, lots of shouting, even more violence and a plethora of dodgy haircuts. The North Men return to Paris but, predictably, sauntering down the Champs Elysees taking in the sights is not high on their agenda. Don’t miss the comic beheading scene.

Family Guy, 7Mate, 10pm

Family Guy is at its best when the writing team hits the surreal switch, and that’s what makes this episode particularly satisfying. The action begins with the theft of Stewie’s trike, then makes its way, via a brief cameo from ‘‘Hughie Lewis and the Jews’’, a gratuitous bike-seat sniffing gag, a detective agency called Big Hairy Dicks for Kids and a strange Donkey Kong scene, to the revelation that Chris has constructed a creepy sex doll out of items he has stolen. Challenged by Lois to do something about Chris’ obsession with his new ‘‘partner’’, Peter takes the long view: ‘‘He’s slept with it, so now he’ll slowly come to hate it over the next 20 years.’’ It’s all brilliantly offensive stuff.
Nick Galvin

PAY TV

Australia’s Next Top Model, Fox8, 7.30pm

The sight of 16-year-old Lucy crying real tears of joy when the girls get a video message from Kim Kardashian will make you despair at what the younger generation is coming to. Unless you’re of that generation, in which case you’ll presumably be bouncing up and down on the couch with glee. Either way, Kelly Osbourne’s turn as guest judge is fun.

Holy War, History, 8.30pm

This earnest German documentary series is big on expensive re-enactments – and perhaps a little bit more gory than it needs to be. Still, Holy War promises to be an enlightening and otherwise unsensational primer covering 1300 years of conflict between Islam and the West. Tonight’s episode covers the birth of Islam and the conquest of Spain. Others will look at the Crusades, modern Islamic terrorism, and Germany’s attempt to enlist most of the Islamic world to fight Britain and France during World War I.
Brad Newsome 

MOVIES

Fun With Dick and Jane, (2005), Comedy Movies (pay TV), 8.30pm

A third of the way into Fun With Dick and Jane there’s a wonderful comic sequence that captures the mix of absurdity and despair the movie aimed for. Unemployed white-collar exec Dick Harper (Jim Carrey) confidently arrives for a job interview at a corporate tower, but as he walks through the parking garage he falls in step alongside equally attired contenders. Realising that they’re competitors they start running upwards, a growing army of men in dark blue suits with briefcases, tripping and blocking each other. Dick wins the battle, but upon making it to reception he finds dozens more already patiently waiting in line. Dean Parisot’s film – a remake of Ted Kotcheff’s 1977 comedy of the same title with George Segal and Jane Fonda – never quite gets that balance right again, despite a droll introduction in which Dick unwittingly becomes the smiling frontman for his employer’s Enron-like meltdown, which is suavely managed by Alec Baldwin’s charmingly corrupt CEO (a forerunner to 30 Rock’s Jack Donaghy). Stripped of their consumer items – even the lawn is repossessed – Dick and his wife, Jane, resort to inept crime sprees. Although she’s clearly in the supporting role, Tea Leoni’s deft comic skills squeeze through as Jane. She doesn’t have Carrey’s rubbery invention, but her timing is first-rate and she knows when to ease off, unlike her over-the-top co-star. Carrey’s career has trailed off since, but the film’s themes make more sense post-GFC.

Two Little Boys, (2012), One, 9pm

Set in New Zealand’s southernmost and very quiet city of Invercargill in 1993, Robert Sarkies’ droll black comedy is the story of mateship and how that can lead to commitment, embarrassment and murder – roughly in that order. Nige (Bret McKenzie from Flight of the Conchords) has tentatively ventured into adulthood at a late stage, a development that has upset his best friend and previously exclusive companion, Deano (Hamish Blake from Hamish & Andy). But when Nige accidentally kills a Norwegian backpacker, it’s Deano he turns to, who is delighted to have his pal back even if it means the tidying of some loose ends may require a homicide or two. The comedy stems from Deano’s cheery plans for destruction and Nige’s belated shock at what he intends, which is filtered through the sunny nostalgia of their shared childhood memories; it’s as if playing backyard cricket together at age 10 makes it OK to bump off a mutual friend at age 30.
Craig Mathieson