Last week we were introduced to blonde bombshell Tegan who was masquerading as Kerry's best friend while secretly hooking up with Kerry's boyfriend Matt behind her back....are you with me? Don't worry, this is as complicated as it gets on The Shire.
So it looked like Tegan was lining up to be the Amanda Woodward of Cronulla (complete with dark roots) ... or was she? As we learn in the first five minutes post-beach montage all of those secret text messages were actually part of a not-so-elaborate ruse to surprise Kerry with a romantic picnic. With Matt of course, not Tegan, we haven't met the token hot lesbian yet.
Matt says he put the picnic together to show Kerry how much he cares about her. Looking at the table that has been artfully laid out with a tablecloth, wine glasses, crockery, a bowl of strawberries and a carefully placed baguette that displays just the right amount of whimsy and I'm wondering just how much effort Matt really put in. So far it looks like he sent her hot friend a few saucy messages and then turned up for food. What a guy!
Kerry is over the moon because Matt's previous attempt at romance involved berating her at a restaurant; this by comparison is epic. It must be love, yes? Kerry shows this love by beating him up and saying "I hate you". Don't worry, that's how they express affection in the Shire.
They have wine and Kerry gives the traditional Shire salute: "cheers big ears" and confirms what we all expect: it really is the 1970s out there. Just as Kerry is imagining a ring on her finger Matt asks her if she has gone braless.
...speaking of life without bras, we leave the picnic scene (thank god) and head over to Barbie (oh dear) who is still finishing off dinner with her daddy and in the process of asking for a boob job. We've all been there, right? Actually, no, because it's weird.
Proving that he isn't a pushover Beckaa's Daddy refuses to let her quit university and says no to the boob job. Finally some sense in this show! Two seconds later Barbie has talked him around to dropping back to part-time hours and saying yes to the boob job. Wow, way to stay strong Beckaa's Dad. And now we all gain a greater understanding into why Beckaa believes she has what it takes to compete in pageants (whatever they are, I still don't know, does anyone? Should we? No? Moving on then).
Of course if Beckaa doesn't want to improve her mind but insists on improving her chest she could always GET A JOB FOR GOD'S SAKE. Or sell a handbag. I'm leaning towards the latter because frankly the idea of a company employing Beckaa is just frightening.
We drop in on Sophie and Vernesa who are shopping for an accessory to complete their tacky outfit (yes, outfit is singular as they are wearing the same clothes).They want a dog because Paris Hilton has one. They wander into a pet store, "oh my god I feel like I'm buying a child," says Sophie. Because it is just like that.
It isn't a decision they made overnight, they say, because Paris Hilton has had a dog for years. Tragically they don't realise that thinking about it for a long time isn't exactly the same as putting a lot of thought into it.
The dog is "going to live the life we live", says Sophie. "Just without the tan," adds Vernesa. Does this mean it's getting a boob job and collagen injections? I really hope they don't subject it to the fat melting machine.
Back to Beckaa where she is heading to the plastic surgery clinic with her father. I would like to just stop right here but no, they actually go to the clinic together.
"Now I'm 20 and I feel like an adult, sort of, I feel like I'm ready for bigger boobs," says Beckaa. But are they ready for you? I think I see the implants actually wobbling away from her on the table.
Daddy has a lot of questions for the surgeon and Beckaa tunes out, not because it's boring but BECAUSE IT'S CREEPY. Seriously, what is that man doing there? I really hope Ten is paying him a lot of money.
The surgeon, clearly not grasping the full inanity of Beckaa's personality, says it is possible she could be awake for the entire operation. Give him five more minutes in her company and I'll bet that option is quietly taken off the table.
The show gets a much-needed testosterone injection by catching up with Mitch and Andy ... who are out clothes shopping. They are talking about their love lives and fashion ... I'm sorry, I take back my testosterone remark.
The conversation moves to putting denim on denim. "You made that mistake the other night," says Andy, and I have to say I am not 100 per cent sure they are still trading styling tips.
Mitch springs speed dating on Andy which inspires a shopping spree. Two seconds later Andy emerges from a change room dressed in a leopard-print bikini. Carefuly Andy, I would almost think you were just waiting for any excuse to unleash your inner jungle cat.
Seriously, where are the men?
Andy isn't the only one being set up on a blind date. Kerry and Tegan are catching up over a bevvie where we learn from Kerry that "Tegan is a catch because she's smokin' and she doesn't even know it". Actually Kerry, I proffer that Tegan does indeed know it and also that she's a crap friend. There, I said it. Kerry signs Tegan up for speed dating and I have a feeling that she also suspects Tegan needs to be punished.
Back to the puppies, Verphie exchange these gems:
"Do they poo?"
"He likes boobies!"
Sophie has a mound of fur poking out of her cleavage. We already know of their obsession with waxing so of course it's a puppy.
"How big are they actually going to get?" asks Sophie, looking down at her ample chest. I wonder the same thing.
A small bundle of fur on legs comes barrelling out of the house and Sophie says the one thing that has never been said of a pomeranian before: "It's so big". It won't fit in her handbag so it's a no-go. "This mustn't be the dog Paris Hilton has" which just proves how they look but never really see.
The pair leave the breeder's house vowing to instead buy a new purse - a furry one presumably. And all 25 viewers breathe a sigh of relief over the fate of those dogs. The dog breeder and her daughter also breathe a sigh of relief.
From buying hounds to dating one, we move to Andy and Tegan's speed dating night from hell. Yes, they are both at the same event, what a coincidence!
Andy meets Stephanie, she prefers 'Steph' so he naturally asks if she ever goes by 'fanny'. Yes, he really said that. It's only slightly better at Tegan's table. Eventually they end up at the same table, what a shock! It seems at first that they don't know each other and, lo and behold, they are getting along like a house on fire. Then the bell rings and he leaves: "see you Tezzy". Hmmm, that was a bit familiar. Ooooooh, of course, they already know one another from the cast meetings. Silly me.
Another episode of The Shire is about to end but we can't leave before we see a girl kissing a ferrett. No, that isn't a euphamism, it's a highlight of next week's show. Of course I use the term "highlight" very loosely.
Now she's bathing the ferrett. Yes, really.
And it's over.
On a final note, back to the Kerry-Matt-Tegan supposed love triangle, did anyone really believe that Matt was capable of snaring two beautiful women? No, I didn't think so.
What you said about the previous episode:
Sahara: This show really does my head in. I keep telling myself that these are really just actors playing a part because nobody could possibly be so stupid and vacuous is real life. However, then I ask myself just how stupid and vacuous would you need to be to read a script that makes you appear to be so stupid and vacuous that it would kill any chance in a career anywhere. Forget a future in television, would you hire any of these people to simply clean your toilet?
-No, I wouldn't.
Drew: There is more DRAMA in "The Shire" than at the London 2012 Games where Australia is failing to win any medals. Go Peoples Republic of China !!!!!...um..er...I mean Mitch ! or was that Beckaa! :P
-This post has inspired me, perhaps after the Olympic Games Eddie McGuire could commentate The Shire. It couldn't get any worse … could it??
Weazel: You would never see this idiotic crap on SBS or the ABC.
-You should take another look at the SBS lineup, plenty of docos about boobs and sex. My personal favourite is “My Big Breasts and Me”.
MerriD: Wasn't Sylvania Waters shown on ABC?
-ZING! (I probably should've gone with that one.)
Virtual Dave: I played 4 hours of Battlefield 3 last night. Timewaster WIN!
-And now you're commenting on an article about a TV show you didn't see - you really have a lot of spare time on your hands don't you Dave. Now I know why the internet is full of cat videos. (I may sound narky but trust me I'm just jealous.)
Joe M: The Shire is the best weapon I have seen against illegal immigration for years!! The shire should be subtitled into Pashto and Dari (Afghanistan), Urdu (Pakistan) and Arabic for the Middle East. The Shire should be broadcast non stop on the Australia Network and paid for time on Al Jazeera! I mean anyone with any sense about to undertake a dangerous and expensive illegal trip to Australia would have to think seriously about destination choice once exposed to The Shire!!
--The Shire exposes a side of Australia that is sunny, full of moderately attractive people who are so unencumbered with anything serious like jobs or morals that they spend their days partying and pashing. Yeah, it looks hideous, I sooooo wouldn't want to leave my war torn country for that.
Barney:morbid curiosity got hold of us last night & we watched it for a laugh although we were more stunned than amused. I'm also curious as to why Beccka things she is pageant material and why she is so confident (even though she says she lacks it). I saw a rather plain girl heavily made up with awful hair who wears clothes way to small for her build. Rather sad actually.
-Don't worry most of us are stunned, we only find it amusing as a coping mechanism. I also secretly hope Simon Cowell will be judging any pageant Beckaa enters (crossing fingers).
Brizben: I can't see how appearing on a reality show is going to improve her self esteem.
-Excellent point. I also hope she stays away from Twitter and reading these comments. Maybe her daddy can buy Twitter so no one will say nasty things about her.
G.G.Grandma: I had to have a good lie down after trying to make sense of it. I have no idea what the point of the show is and have no plans for watching it; the adverts are scary enough for me. I lived in the Shire for 25 years, raised my children there, was proprietor of a local business, my children all have partners raised in the Shire and I never met anybody who remotely resembles those weird people depicted in that show.
-Don't worry it's a 'dramality' show not a 'reality' show – does that help?
Grace: I nearly died when I heard Beckaa demanding a new pair of boobs from her father... my father was horrified at the thought of me getting a fake tan, and told he would get one too just to show me how ridiculous they look... that was years ago now!
-I wonder if he would've gotten implants to show you how ridiculous they look, think about that! (and I apologise for the mental image you now have)